overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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