i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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