my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize