I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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