the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
