a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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