I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
