Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
