he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
