My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize