His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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