Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
