If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
