I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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