I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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