When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
