Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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