I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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