i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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