i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
