Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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