I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
