Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She told me I should be a condom model.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Randomize
