i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
