Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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