Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize