jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So squirting runs in the family.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
