Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
