I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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