have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
