I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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