I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My bed smells like the plague
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