I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
