she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
