then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drunk is not a location!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
