You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
