does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
