I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
