3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
