Will you blow on my dice?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
