yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
