guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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