im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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