chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
