I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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