I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
