i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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