i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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