A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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