Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
