you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
