Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
