eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
