Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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