I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
