Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
