Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
