So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
