The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
