Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Can I color on your dick again?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
