i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize