ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
