I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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